My Little Black Cloud

When I first began this blog, I thought it would be a fun way to keep in touch with friends that I lose contact with so easily, to share excitement and joy for life happenings and also to vent when life or experiences are frustrating. The sad thing is that for the past 40 minutes I have stared at this blank page, wanting so badly to share all the thoughts on my heart, and I just don't want to. Why? FEAR.

Why and how do we get like this? When our insecurities get the best of us, and keep us from being our best version of ourselves? I feel like I have so much to offer, but my spirit hesitates, with thoughts of: nobody cares what you think, nobody wants to hear your sadness, who cares that you had a good day?  

My head and heart haven't been right for quite some time. This past year has been one of the worst years I've had, and I would like to say I've never wished time away, but I have for the past year. Beginning with today. Today marks the date of an anniversary (not a good one) in which life changed not only for me, but for people around me. I have never seen so much pain, sadness, betrayl, rage, and fear, as I have this year. I would like to be the optimistic go-getter that says, "It can only get better from here", but when I said that last year 3-4 times, new issues would be at the doorstep, waiting, lurking, seizing the moment to snatch any happiness away. So my pessimistic side says, "Whats next"?

Here are the things that have made my heart heavy (without going into whats taken place over the year):

--I don't know how much longer I can teach, I feel like I"m losing the joy I initially had for it.
--I've lost the ability to trust.
--I'm feeling far from God, and my spirit feels anger and frustration when I go to pray or read the bible.
--My health issues with my joint pain continue to get no answers, and I recently had the last specialist suggest I get a neuropsych eval because I may have a cognitive defect. While frustrating at first, I laughed later with Micah and turned it into a joke, but now I fear: maybe she's right...
--We still haven't gotten pregnant.
--I don't know how to cope with my pain, while feeling joy for parents to be.
--I want to be happy, but feel that I don't deserve it. Dont ask me why, I don't know.
--I yearn for relationships, but fear I will screw them up. So why bother.

What I am grateful to have while I work to break up this little black cloud over my head:

My husband
My four legged friends waiting at home that will love me even when I screw up
2 jobs to keep my mind occupied

Life could always be worse...I need to realize how lucky I have it. But I also feel like it's ok to be down and out sometimes, people have different emotions that cause their heart to stir one way or another, and that's ok. It's ok that I'm in a funk. It wont last forever.

 I just wish it was done today.

Goodbye Summer....Hello Autumn....(HA, thats me)!

A week from today I go back to work. My students wont be back until September 7th, but it'll be time for me to start prepping materials and my room for the new school year. I'm excited to be gaining a new student, and for a new year. The past year kicked my butt on more levels than I would have imagined. I didn't think at I would have already had a student pass away, but in May, my favorite one did. He was a good guy, referred to me as "Tum" because he couldn't say my full name. Oh did I love him ( I love them all). But with an ending comes new beginnings, and I've got another young lady coming in with a tenacious spirit and bundle of energy! I'm ready for the challenge...I think....

I'd like to say how excited I am for the school year, and while I am looking forward to changes, I do regret how quickly this summer passed. I ended up working 2 jobs, and up until last week, was working 45-50 hrs a week. The past two weeks have been great! Sleeping in (as much as one can with 3 dogs and a psychotic cat running around the house at 6:15 am) and staying in p.j's until 10am (ok, maybe even 12pm...) has been a simple joy that I don't want to give up just yet!

Not to mention, Micah will be finishing up his second to last set of classes and clinicals the same week I start back to work. This has kind of been our story for the past year and a half, playing hit and miss with breaks and schedules. We're both excited for December when he'll be done with school, into a full time job, and back into a routine in which we spend more than a few hours at a time together.

When we do get time, we try to spend it with our four legged crazies....



Eddie, our oldest pup who refuses to look at the camera...


And introducing our newest member:



Vixie, our unexpected edition but a fun one!

Otis and Milo wouldn't sit still for the camera, so that's all I've got for family photos for the summer. Sad, I know. BUT, Summer isn't over yet...so who knows what adventures may fall between now and then!

In this moment

Inspired by a fellow blog that embraces life as it is, with joy in simplicity, I realize it wouldn't hurt if I practiced the same. I decided to try my own version of "Right Now". Thanks Soule Mama.

In the moment, I am...

:: feeling content with the place I am at in my life.

:: enjoying having 2 furry pup's lay at my feet while the 3rd cools off in the bathtub

:: loving naps on these warm breezy summer days

:: appreciating the man I've married. I've seen him grow so much in the five years we've been married, and couldn't be more grateful for the life we have together.

:: remembering - a dearly beloved student of mine that past away 2 months back. His voice and his phrases "214", "boo", "hey", "tum" (autumn :)), will be forever engraved on my heart.

:: hearing the breeze move the leaves along in what sounds like applause

::smiling at the thought of laying in the hammock watching falling stars from the night before

:: laughing at the stories of Sloane Crosley in "I was told there'd be cake". So glad that there are others out there with a similar sense of humor that many don't understand

:: closing the need to be angry on people or events that have happened in the past

:: wanting to enjoy this day off from both jobs and relax in the beautiful day that's been given!

Happy Friday!!!

Absent

If you've attempted to follow our blog the past few months, I do apologize. Absent is about the only word I can come up with to describe Micah and I lately!

Micah is continuing to go thru the nursing program at Baker. He's enjoying what he's practicing, and I couldn't be happier for him. He comes home at the end of a long day with great stories to tell, and (most always) with a smile on his face. Being proud of him is an understatement. I've never seen this man work harder than he has in the past 8 months, dedicating his time and energy into his education.

I would like to be able to update you all on just how fantastic life has been since my last update in December. But I can't do that. If I'm honest with myself, and honest with you, the past few months have been the hardest months of my life. The saying, "When it rains, it pours", turns out to be quite true. Not only has the past 6 months been difficult adjusting to Micah's schedule and living off of 1 income, but a lot of personal issues have come up that I never thought I'd have to deal with so early on in life.

Since April I have had my family dog of 13 yrs pass away, one of my students died, and I was betrayed by (what I thought) a close friend, and  put in a difficult ethical and moral dilemma that I am continuing to deal with to this day. My joy has at times felt stripped, my hope sometimes has felt lost, and my faith; tested. 


Health wise, I continue to not feel well with my joint pain. I am seeking alternative methods to help with it now.  I was also on a medicine for my endometriosis that put me into menopause for 3 months. Talk about a horrible way to start the new year!!! Hot flashes, night sweats, and emotions I didn't think I could have, consumed me the beginning of the year. I've since been taken off the medicine, but continue to have pain (and still no luck with pregnancy).

All this to say:

God is good.
Love Wins.
This too Shall Pass!

Life is messy, and sometimes the mess happens at once, sometimes it happens over time. However, I know that I've got someone on my side, thru thick and thin that will help get me thru. Micah is the physical presence in my life that continues to remind me that everything will be ok. And I know that there is the spiritual presence of God that is continuing to push me in the right direction. I've felt his sadness in my sadness, and I have felt his joy. Proverbs 3:5.

In the day to day happenings of the Crumbs, there has have been some changes: I graduated in May with my Masters in Special ed, I picked up a 2nd job working retail, and we unexpectantly picked up a new member of the family. We've named her Vixie (she reminds me of the female fox in the fox and the hound), she was a stray that wandered into our backyard and killed one of our chickens, but have since fallen in love with. We've attempted to find her a new home, but so far no luck. We'd still like to get her a loving home where she can have more attention than she has now, but for the time being, she fits into the clan of Eddie, Otis, Milo, and our (now) 10 chickens.  Our life feels a little chaotic right now, but again: this too shall pass!

I cannot promise or guarantee that I will update this regurlarly, but I will try. That's all I can say for now. Be well friends. Know you are loved, appreciated, and valued (not only by me, but by our great father in heaven)!