Life as of late

And.....exhale...

The hustle and bustle we have called life for the past couple of years might just be settling down. I say might, because I worry I may jinx this and something will come up...

Micah is working full time a long term care facility. I love hearing of the 94yr old cougars that go after my husband, calling him Michael. He seems to be enjoying it a lot, and I'm ever so grateful he's landed a job in an area he enjoys. He's expressed a lot of people don't understand why he chose gerontology and a long term care facility when he could be working at a hospital. My husband likes to go against the status quo, the popular ideas,  (reason #789 why I adore him). He takes joy in working with the elderly, and doesn't care if it isn't a adventurous/trendy job recognized by others. He does important work, that he enjoys, and that makes me proud!

 The working midnights for Micah has seemed to work out well. The only time it hasn't, it when I'm working both jobs, and pass him coming home at 10:00 when he's heading in to work. This will change soon enough, as I put in my notice to finish at the sports store. I really wish I didn't like the job as much as I do, but I've been told by a few important people in my life that I need to slow down, and I'm trying to respect that, and learn how to....relax...? So as of May I will be back to teaching and only teaching. It will be good to help me put my focus back on just my classroom, and for that I am excited.

I read a quote this week that said, "Do not handicap your kids by making their lives easy!". OH praise god that someone thinks this! I know I work with students that have severe disabilities but I continue to get so angry that my students are not challenged or pushed to be their best, because too many people (including families) feel sorry for them. Ugh. They are people that also deserve to be pushed, to have expectations, to be valued, and too often they go unrecognized or are "under valued". Do me a favor, don't be one of the many that look at them and feel sorry for them. They don't want that. Neither would you.

 Our family of furry creatures continue to be fun and crazy. I woke up this morning (as Micah was crawling into bed after getting done with his shift) and decided to spend it outside reading. In the middle of reading a book I looked up to find Vixie (our youngest stray pup) running around the backyard chasing 2 birds. They flew over the backyard and had Vixie literally running circles (3 laps to be exact) around the backyard. Meanwhile, Otis is tossing golf balls at my arm to get me to throw them (because our dogs can't use tennis balls, but golf balls to play fetch), and Eddie is pouncing around attempting to catch flies that are buzzing around. I couldn't help but laugh out loud at my ridiculous dogs. The chickens were running around, the sun shining, and the day, just beautiful.

If you feel stressed, have spent too much time in front of a computer, t.v, or desk, please get outside and just sit. Just listen. God created all of this beauty, that so often we forget to stop and and enjoy what he's put right in front of, because we get in our hustle and bustle of life, we worry that if we slow down that we wont get the things taken care of that we need to, but the reality is,

 "See how the lilies of the field grow. They do no labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and gone tomorrow, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?"- Matthew 6: 28-30


Enough randomness for one night! Remember to sit and admire Gods creation this Easter weekend!!

Not All Who Wander....

J.R.R. Tolkien, a smart, creative man who would create The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings (among many other works ) said this.

I've loved this phrase ever since I heard it. Those who know me, know that I am a wannabe hippie. I love the idea of being content with life (no matter what it looks like), wearing flip flops/being barefoot on a daily basis, living close to nature and being passionate about preserving it thru my lifestyle choices. I want to be the wanderer who isn't lost. The truth is that I am wandering, and I do feel lost about 98% of the time! My husband on the other hand, of whom I admire more than anyone that walks this earth, can wander like no other, and never feels lost. He is confident in every choice he makes or action he takes. Boy do I admire this. I always have. I want to live out this philosophy, so badly!

Our lives haven't gone as we had planned. By now we had hoped to have a family, to be debt free, and to be living somewhere exotic. Reality is that our family consists of 3 dogs, 1 cat, and 10 chickens. Reality is that we have thousands of dollars in school loans. Reality is also that I live less than 15 miles from where I grew up. However, this being said, I am happy. I am happy to have this life with crazy furry animals, I am grateful that we were able to go to school to get degrees, and I love being able to stand outside a blistery winters night staring at the stars (that sometimes feel so close I could touch them).

We tried to map out our life (by we, I mean me...:)) and it hasn't gone as planned. We've become wanderers, our path has just changed. Our goals now are to live a life of love, to exemplify that to others. We want to travel, we want to continue working towards having an authentic relationship with God and with eachother. As I sit and think about this phrase and what is means for me, it may very well mean something different to you. To me, to wander means to travel the path less traveled. This doesn't mean getting lost, it just means going somewhere different.

So we don't have kids....being surrounded by friends and family that are having kids (what seems like every other minute) is difficult (and unbearable) sometimes. This currently isn't the path marked out for me, and today, I can handle that. Don't ask me if I can handle it tomorrow :). It's a rollercoaster that I can't get off of yet, but I hope sooner than later to be on a firm ground of faith, knowing that with or without kids, my life will be full, and it will be happy.

Our debt is slowly being worked on. We refinanced our house to a 15 yr, we will have paid off Micah's car in just under a year, and will be on our way to paying off our school loans as quickly as possible. We don't want our lifes work to be consumed with having to pay off debt. We want it out of the way so we can take what we earn to better others lives. What that will look like down the road, I honestly don't know. I am however, excited at the idea of being able to give freely without concern of where $ will come to pay off this or that...and in time, we will be there.

Micah went back to school 2 years ago, and as of last month was hired as a RN for a local long term care facility. His original path he thought would be land use planning. and now he passes medicine, brushes hair for elderly women who sit in their rooms lonely and afraid, and he takes his meek and compassionate personality to serve the geriatric population. If it's possible, he makes my heart smile. :)

I am still teaching in a severely multiply impaired classroom. Some days it is harder to deal with staff and parents than it is the actual students. I love my students and want the best for them. While many dont see why I do what I do (because their lives are significantly shorter due to their conditions), I insist that if I can make them as independent as possible while they're in my room, they are gaining their own sense of freedom and happiness in realizing their capabilities (no matter what that looks like). I will be taking this summer off, for the first time since I started teaching, and am excited to be able to do more "wandering". No plans. Other than to work in my garden, continue working part time at a retail sports store, and spending time with family and friends.

This summer, when we wander, we are going to do it in style, with maybe 1 or 2 of these:

 

We're daydreaming for now, but Micah wants to start a scooter gang, and I'm pretty excited at this possibility :)

Thank you also, to those of you that responded to me via text or email on my last post. I was in a dark place, and your thoughts of encouragement and support were a great comfort. I am truly grateful to you, and hope I can be there for you as you were for me.

Life is good. No matter how hard it can be sometimes. It is good, and God is to thank for that. Because in the darkness there is always a light of hope, through the comfort of friends, family, and faith.

Happy Wandering!

My Little Black Cloud

When I first began this blog, I thought it would be a fun way to keep in touch with friends that I lose contact with so easily, to share excitement and joy for life happenings and also to vent when life or experiences are frustrating. The sad thing is that for the past 40 minutes I have stared at this blank page, wanting so badly to share all the thoughts on my heart, and I just don't want to. Why? FEAR.

Why and how do we get like this? When our insecurities get the best of us, and keep us from being our best version of ourselves? I feel like I have so much to offer, but my spirit hesitates, with thoughts of: nobody cares what you think, nobody wants to hear your sadness, who cares that you had a good day?  

My head and heart haven't been right for quite some time. This past year has been one of the worst years I've had, and I would like to say I've never wished time away, but I have for the past year. Beginning with today. Today marks the date of an anniversary (not a good one) in which life changed not only for me, but for people around me. I have never seen so much pain, sadness, betrayl, rage, and fear, as I have this year. I would like to be the optimistic go-getter that says, "It can only get better from here", but when I said that last year 3-4 times, new issues would be at the doorstep, waiting, lurking, seizing the moment to snatch any happiness away. So my pessimistic side says, "Whats next"?

Here are the things that have made my heart heavy (without going into whats taken place over the year):

--I don't know how much longer I can teach, I feel like I"m losing the joy I initially had for it.
--I've lost the ability to trust.
--I'm feeling far from God, and my spirit feels anger and frustration when I go to pray or read the bible.
--My health issues with my joint pain continue to get no answers, and I recently had the last specialist suggest I get a neuropsych eval because I may have a cognitive defect. While frustrating at first, I laughed later with Micah and turned it into a joke, but now I fear: maybe she's right...
--We still haven't gotten pregnant.
--I don't know how to cope with my pain, while feeling joy for parents to be.
--I want to be happy, but feel that I don't deserve it. Dont ask me why, I don't know.
--I yearn for relationships, but fear I will screw them up. So why bother.

What I am grateful to have while I work to break up this little black cloud over my head:

My husband
My four legged friends waiting at home that will love me even when I screw up
2 jobs to keep my mind occupied

Life could always be worse...I need to realize how lucky I have it. But I also feel like it's ok to be down and out sometimes, people have different emotions that cause their heart to stir one way or another, and that's ok. It's ok that I'm in a funk. It wont last forever.

 I just wish it was done today.

Goodbye Summer....Hello Autumn....(HA, thats me)!

A week from today I go back to work. My students wont be back until September 7th, but it'll be time for me to start prepping materials and my room for the new school year. I'm excited to be gaining a new student, and for a new year. The past year kicked my butt on more levels than I would have imagined. I didn't think at I would have already had a student pass away, but in May, my favorite one did. He was a good guy, referred to me as "Tum" because he couldn't say my full name. Oh did I love him ( I love them all). But with an ending comes new beginnings, and I've got another young lady coming in with a tenacious spirit and bundle of energy! I'm ready for the challenge...I think....

I'd like to say how excited I am for the school year, and while I am looking forward to changes, I do regret how quickly this summer passed. I ended up working 2 jobs, and up until last week, was working 45-50 hrs a week. The past two weeks have been great! Sleeping in (as much as one can with 3 dogs and a psychotic cat running around the house at 6:15 am) and staying in p.j's until 10am (ok, maybe even 12pm...) has been a simple joy that I don't want to give up just yet!

Not to mention, Micah will be finishing up his second to last set of classes and clinicals the same week I start back to work. This has kind of been our story for the past year and a half, playing hit and miss with breaks and schedules. We're both excited for December when he'll be done with school, into a full time job, and back into a routine in which we spend more than a few hours at a time together.

When we do get time, we try to spend it with our four legged crazies....



Eddie, our oldest pup who refuses to look at the camera...


And introducing our newest member:



Vixie, our unexpected edition but a fun one!

Otis and Milo wouldn't sit still for the camera, so that's all I've got for family photos for the summer. Sad, I know. BUT, Summer isn't over yet...so who knows what adventures may fall between now and then!

In this moment

Inspired by a fellow blog that embraces life as it is, with joy in simplicity, I realize it wouldn't hurt if I practiced the same. I decided to try my own version of "Right Now". Thanks Soule Mama.

In the moment, I am...

:: feeling content with the place I am at in my life.

:: enjoying having 2 furry pup's lay at my feet while the 3rd cools off in the bathtub

:: loving naps on these warm breezy summer days

:: appreciating the man I've married. I've seen him grow so much in the five years we've been married, and couldn't be more grateful for the life we have together.

:: remembering - a dearly beloved student of mine that past away 2 months back. His voice and his phrases "214", "boo", "hey", "tum" (autumn :)), will be forever engraved on my heart.

:: hearing the breeze move the leaves along in what sounds like applause

::smiling at the thought of laying in the hammock watching falling stars from the night before

:: laughing at the stories of Sloane Crosley in "I was told there'd be cake". So glad that there are others out there with a similar sense of humor that many don't understand

:: closing the need to be angry on people or events that have happened in the past

:: wanting to enjoy this day off from both jobs and relax in the beautiful day that's been given!

Happy Friday!!!

Absent

If you've attempted to follow our blog the past few months, I do apologize. Absent is about the only word I can come up with to describe Micah and I lately!

Micah is continuing to go thru the nursing program at Baker. He's enjoying what he's practicing, and I couldn't be happier for him. He comes home at the end of a long day with great stories to tell, and (most always) with a smile on his face. Being proud of him is an understatement. I've never seen this man work harder than he has in the past 8 months, dedicating his time and energy into his education.

I would like to be able to update you all on just how fantastic life has been since my last update in December. But I can't do that. If I'm honest with myself, and honest with you, the past few months have been the hardest months of my life. The saying, "When it rains, it pours", turns out to be quite true. Not only has the past 6 months been difficult adjusting to Micah's schedule and living off of 1 income, but a lot of personal issues have come up that I never thought I'd have to deal with so early on in life.

Since April I have had my family dog of 13 yrs pass away, one of my students died, and I was betrayed by (what I thought) a close friend, and  put in a difficult ethical and moral dilemma that I am continuing to deal with to this day. My joy has at times felt stripped, my hope sometimes has felt lost, and my faith; tested. 


Health wise, I continue to not feel well with my joint pain. I am seeking alternative methods to help with it now.  I was also on a medicine for my endometriosis that put me into menopause for 3 months. Talk about a horrible way to start the new year!!! Hot flashes, night sweats, and emotions I didn't think I could have, consumed me the beginning of the year. I've since been taken off the medicine, but continue to have pain (and still no luck with pregnancy).

All this to say:

God is good.
Love Wins.
This too Shall Pass!

Life is messy, and sometimes the mess happens at once, sometimes it happens over time. However, I know that I've got someone on my side, thru thick and thin that will help get me thru. Micah is the physical presence in my life that continues to remind me that everything will be ok. And I know that there is the spiritual presence of God that is continuing to push me in the right direction. I've felt his sadness in my sadness, and I have felt his joy. Proverbs 3:5.

In the day to day happenings of the Crumbs, there has have been some changes: I graduated in May with my Masters in Special ed, I picked up a 2nd job working retail, and we unexpectantly picked up a new member of the family. We've named her Vixie (she reminds me of the female fox in the fox and the hound), she was a stray that wandered into our backyard and killed one of our chickens, but have since fallen in love with. We've attempted to find her a new home, but so far no luck. We'd still like to get her a loving home where she can have more attention than she has now, but for the time being, she fits into the clan of Eddie, Otis, Milo, and our (now) 10 chickens.  Our life feels a little chaotic right now, but again: this too shall pass!

I cannot promise or guarantee that I will update this regurlarly, but I will try. That's all I can say for now. Be well friends. Know you are loved, appreciated, and valued (not only by me, but by our great father in heaven)!

Goodbye December, 2010

Joy seems to sum up what this time of year is for me. I love Christmas. Not because of the gifts or even the decorations (well maybe a little.. I do love lights...), I love that it is in honor of Emmanuel, "God With Us".  Our church recently did a service that focused on a scripture I love:

         "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" - Romans 15:13

Other things I have loved this month....

 My boy Eddie trying to hide from the camera by jumping in the bathtub.....not so great at hide and seek.

 SNOW DAYS! One great benefit of being a teacher. Micah still went to work (after he dug himself out of our driveway).


Our Christmas was nice and simple. With a small budget we both had to get creative, and in the end it turned out to be our best Christmas yet....

Micah made me this laddershelf (I've been wanting one for years). I also have 3 more cigar boxes to add to my collection (I love the boxes), a beautiful necklace, and homemade creams and soaps made from icelandic sheep milk (he's trying to sell me on the idea of getting them).

 I put together a shadow box for Micah. This is his Grandpa Crumb and some of his memorabilia from World War II. I also got him a Wak (pan for stir fry), which he used the next day (and I neglected to take pictures of his first stir-fry creation, which was fantastic)! We'll also be going to GR to a museum exhibit he is very excited about: Bodies Revealed.

Though Christmas is over, thankfully we are both still on break. Micah is still making the most of working when he can both with construction and his position at an assisted living center. I have this week off, and plan to make the most of it by practicing something I am not good at: relaxing. Tomorrow my plan is to pay a few bills, head to the library, pick up a book, come home and curl up. We are taking one day to spend together with no interruptions and (hopefully) no thoughts of upcoming class schedules, work events, etc. We're going to enjoy moments and not look ahead.

When Micah isn't working, he's also remodeling our bedroom.....

He isn't good at relaxing either :)...I can't wait for the end result, which will be 2, yes 2 closets! As well as drawers within our bedframe for storage, reading lights above the bed, shelving, and a fresh coat of paint. I told Micah he is completely in charge, and while some spouses may be a little nervous about giving up any say, I am more than trusting of Micah. He's got a knack for this stuff. 

As December (and 2010) comes to a close, it's time to reflect on the year, and what to hope for in the new year. I've never done it before, but I'm thinking I'm going to try New Years Resolutions....I'll post what I come up with in the next few days...