My Little Black Cloud

When I first began this blog, I thought it would be a fun way to keep in touch with friends that I lose contact with so easily, to share excitement and joy for life happenings and also to vent when life or experiences are frustrating. The sad thing is that for the past 40 minutes I have stared at this blank page, wanting so badly to share all the thoughts on my heart, and I just don't want to. Why? FEAR.

Why and how do we get like this? When our insecurities get the best of us, and keep us from being our best version of ourselves? I feel like I have so much to offer, but my spirit hesitates, with thoughts of: nobody cares what you think, nobody wants to hear your sadness, who cares that you had a good day?  

My head and heart haven't been right for quite some time. This past year has been one of the worst years I've had, and I would like to say I've never wished time away, but I have for the past year. Beginning with today. Today marks the date of an anniversary (not a good one) in which life changed not only for me, but for people around me. I have never seen so much pain, sadness, betrayl, rage, and fear, as I have this year. I would like to be the optimistic go-getter that says, "It can only get better from here", but when I said that last year 3-4 times, new issues would be at the doorstep, waiting, lurking, seizing the moment to snatch any happiness away. So my pessimistic side says, "Whats next"?

Here are the things that have made my heart heavy (without going into whats taken place over the year):

--I don't know how much longer I can teach, I feel like I"m losing the joy I initially had for it.
--I've lost the ability to trust.
--I'm feeling far from God, and my spirit feels anger and frustration when I go to pray or read the bible.
--My health issues with my joint pain continue to get no answers, and I recently had the last specialist suggest I get a neuropsych eval because I may have a cognitive defect. While frustrating at first, I laughed later with Micah and turned it into a joke, but now I fear: maybe she's right...
--We still haven't gotten pregnant.
--I don't know how to cope with my pain, while feeling joy for parents to be.
--I want to be happy, but feel that I don't deserve it. Dont ask me why, I don't know.
--I yearn for relationships, but fear I will screw them up. So why bother.

What I am grateful to have while I work to break up this little black cloud over my head:

My husband
My four legged friends waiting at home that will love me even when I screw up
2 jobs to keep my mind occupied

Life could always be worse...I need to realize how lucky I have it. But I also feel like it's ok to be down and out sometimes, people have different emotions that cause their heart to stir one way or another, and that's ok. It's ok that I'm in a funk. It wont last forever.

 I just wish it was done today.

Goodbye Summer....Hello Autumn....(HA, thats me)!

A week from today I go back to work. My students wont be back until September 7th, but it'll be time for me to start prepping materials and my room for the new school year. I'm excited to be gaining a new student, and for a new year. The past year kicked my butt on more levels than I would have imagined. I didn't think at I would have already had a student pass away, but in May, my favorite one did. He was a good guy, referred to me as "Tum" because he couldn't say my full name. Oh did I love him ( I love them all). But with an ending comes new beginnings, and I've got another young lady coming in with a tenacious spirit and bundle of energy! I'm ready for the challenge...I think....

I'd like to say how excited I am for the school year, and while I am looking forward to changes, I do regret how quickly this summer passed. I ended up working 2 jobs, and up until last week, was working 45-50 hrs a week. The past two weeks have been great! Sleeping in (as much as one can with 3 dogs and a psychotic cat running around the house at 6:15 am) and staying in p.j's until 10am (ok, maybe even 12pm...) has been a simple joy that I don't want to give up just yet!

Not to mention, Micah will be finishing up his second to last set of classes and clinicals the same week I start back to work. This has kind of been our story for the past year and a half, playing hit and miss with breaks and schedules. We're both excited for December when he'll be done with school, into a full time job, and back into a routine in which we spend more than a few hours at a time together.

When we do get time, we try to spend it with our four legged crazies....



Eddie, our oldest pup who refuses to look at the camera...


And introducing our newest member:



Vixie, our unexpected edition but a fun one!

Otis and Milo wouldn't sit still for the camera, so that's all I've got for family photos for the summer. Sad, I know. BUT, Summer isn't over yet...so who knows what adventures may fall between now and then!

In this moment

Inspired by a fellow blog that embraces life as it is, with joy in simplicity, I realize it wouldn't hurt if I practiced the same. I decided to try my own version of "Right Now". Thanks Soule Mama.

In the moment, I am...

:: feeling content with the place I am at in my life.

:: enjoying having 2 furry pup's lay at my feet while the 3rd cools off in the bathtub

:: loving naps on these warm breezy summer days

:: appreciating the man I've married. I've seen him grow so much in the five years we've been married, and couldn't be more grateful for the life we have together.

:: remembering - a dearly beloved student of mine that past away 2 months back. His voice and his phrases "214", "boo", "hey", "tum" (autumn :)), will be forever engraved on my heart.

:: hearing the breeze move the leaves along in what sounds like applause

::smiling at the thought of laying in the hammock watching falling stars from the night before

:: laughing at the stories of Sloane Crosley in "I was told there'd be cake". So glad that there are others out there with a similar sense of humor that many don't understand

:: closing the need to be angry on people or events that have happened in the past

:: wanting to enjoy this day off from both jobs and relax in the beautiful day that's been given!

Happy Friday!!!

Absent

If you've attempted to follow our blog the past few months, I do apologize. Absent is about the only word I can come up with to describe Micah and I lately!

Micah is continuing to go thru the nursing program at Baker. He's enjoying what he's practicing, and I couldn't be happier for him. He comes home at the end of a long day with great stories to tell, and (most always) with a smile on his face. Being proud of him is an understatement. I've never seen this man work harder than he has in the past 8 months, dedicating his time and energy into his education.

I would like to be able to update you all on just how fantastic life has been since my last update in December. But I can't do that. If I'm honest with myself, and honest with you, the past few months have been the hardest months of my life. The saying, "When it rains, it pours", turns out to be quite true. Not only has the past 6 months been difficult adjusting to Micah's schedule and living off of 1 income, but a lot of personal issues have come up that I never thought I'd have to deal with so early on in life.

Since April I have had my family dog of 13 yrs pass away, one of my students died, and I was betrayed by (what I thought) a close friend, and  put in a difficult ethical and moral dilemma that I am continuing to deal with to this day. My joy has at times felt stripped, my hope sometimes has felt lost, and my faith; tested. 


Health wise, I continue to not feel well with my joint pain. I am seeking alternative methods to help with it now.  I was also on a medicine for my endometriosis that put me into menopause for 3 months. Talk about a horrible way to start the new year!!! Hot flashes, night sweats, and emotions I didn't think I could have, consumed me the beginning of the year. I've since been taken off the medicine, but continue to have pain (and still no luck with pregnancy).

All this to say:

God is good.
Love Wins.
This too Shall Pass!

Life is messy, and sometimes the mess happens at once, sometimes it happens over time. However, I know that I've got someone on my side, thru thick and thin that will help get me thru. Micah is the physical presence in my life that continues to remind me that everything will be ok. And I know that there is the spiritual presence of God that is continuing to push me in the right direction. I've felt his sadness in my sadness, and I have felt his joy. Proverbs 3:5.

In the day to day happenings of the Crumbs, there has have been some changes: I graduated in May with my Masters in Special ed, I picked up a 2nd job working retail, and we unexpectantly picked up a new member of the family. We've named her Vixie (she reminds me of the female fox in the fox and the hound), she was a stray that wandered into our backyard and killed one of our chickens, but have since fallen in love with. We've attempted to find her a new home, but so far no luck. We'd still like to get her a loving home where she can have more attention than she has now, but for the time being, she fits into the clan of Eddie, Otis, Milo, and our (now) 10 chickens.  Our life feels a little chaotic right now, but again: this too shall pass!

I cannot promise or guarantee that I will update this regurlarly, but I will try. That's all I can say for now. Be well friends. Know you are loved, appreciated, and valued (not only by me, but by our great father in heaven)!

Goodbye December, 2010

Joy seems to sum up what this time of year is for me. I love Christmas. Not because of the gifts or even the decorations (well maybe a little.. I do love lights...), I love that it is in honor of Emmanuel, "God With Us".  Our church recently did a service that focused on a scripture I love:

         "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" - Romans 15:13

Other things I have loved this month....

 My boy Eddie trying to hide from the camera by jumping in the bathtub.....not so great at hide and seek.

 SNOW DAYS! One great benefit of being a teacher. Micah still went to work (after he dug himself out of our driveway).


Our Christmas was nice and simple. With a small budget we both had to get creative, and in the end it turned out to be our best Christmas yet....

Micah made me this laddershelf (I've been wanting one for years). I also have 3 more cigar boxes to add to my collection (I love the boxes), a beautiful necklace, and homemade creams and soaps made from icelandic sheep milk (he's trying to sell me on the idea of getting them).

 I put together a shadow box for Micah. This is his Grandpa Crumb and some of his memorabilia from World War II. I also got him a Wak (pan for stir fry), which he used the next day (and I neglected to take pictures of his first stir-fry creation, which was fantastic)! We'll also be going to GR to a museum exhibit he is very excited about: Bodies Revealed.

Though Christmas is over, thankfully we are both still on break. Micah is still making the most of working when he can both with construction and his position at an assisted living center. I have this week off, and plan to make the most of it by practicing something I am not good at: relaxing. Tomorrow my plan is to pay a few bills, head to the library, pick up a book, come home and curl up. We are taking one day to spend together with no interruptions and (hopefully) no thoughts of upcoming class schedules, work events, etc. We're going to enjoy moments and not look ahead.

When Micah isn't working, he's also remodeling our bedroom.....

He isn't good at relaxing either :)...I can't wait for the end result, which will be 2, yes 2 closets! As well as drawers within our bedframe for storage, reading lights above the bed, shelving, and a fresh coat of paint. I told Micah he is completely in charge, and while some spouses may be a little nervous about giving up any say, I am more than trusting of Micah. He's got a knack for this stuff. 

As December (and 2010) comes to a close, it's time to reflect on the year, and what to hope for in the new year. I've never done it before, but I'm thinking I'm going to try New Years Resolutions....I'll post what I come up with in the next few days...

Life Today

Only Otis will allow me to photograph him with my new camera. Eddie shakes horribly (the Canon makes a beeping sound that I'm pretty sure he thinks is the electrical fence collar) and refuses to let me take pictures. So I got this shot of Micah and Otis up at the trails behind the State Hospital Grounds. Reminds me how much I love the guys in my life. As tough as they look, their not :). 

It's been a productive and relaxing weekend. I was able to make and can 10 quarts of chunky cinnamon applesauce, while Micah and our brother in law Jared went hunting. No luck this weekend but Micah did get a buck earlier in the week, a 5 pointer. He was hoping for his "trophy deer" this weekend, but at least we'll have meat for the next several months!

Micah's projects are always more impressive than mine, therefore I will not post pictures of my applesauce :). It's not quite as pretty as this deer.  

I started working on some new projects (christmas/birthday/baby gifts) for the many celebrations coming up in the next several months. It turns out I know 9 people having babies between now and August, so I need to get moving! While I"m thinking of it, I need to apologize for my latest venting session. In the midst of me expressing how I felt, I didn't think of how others may feel. I had a friend come up to me and apologize, right before she told me she was pregnant. I don't want people to feel bad for telling me such exciting news. I truly am happy for my friends that are entering a new chapter of their life, and I'm excited to be part of it. So to those of you that are pregnant, or may become pregnant, please don't feel bad telling me. The truth is, I was having a pitty party, and I'm over it now. God has plans for me, and no matter what they are, I'm choosing to have joy in Gods plans, not my own.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lords purpose that prevails"

- Proverbs 19:21

Update

At the request of a friend, and inspired by a fellow bloggers comeback :), the Crumbs are back.

Life has been to say the least, a whirl wind the past couple of months. We are both back in school, and its taken over much of our lives. Unfortunately we are not the couple that does ok without time together. We both get grumpy, sad, and start missing our time together. So when the time does come where we can spend it together, we are either too tired, or too annoyed to really enjoy it. Thankfully we both realized it the past few days and are trying to make a conscious effort to enjoy what we do have together.

So what has been going on, you ask? Micah got into the nursing program, and has been day and night focused. Just this morning he told me how he had a nightmare about a personal care plans. Despite the nightmares, he is really enjoying it, and I'm excited to see him get into something that is constantly challenging him.

We never made it to the U.P for our trip. I ended up sick, and Micah had the nursing program starting with homework that he couldn't take with us camping. One of a few let downs this year so far.

 At times in the past 2 months I have been sad, angry, bitter, and resentful. The pain I was experiencing turned out to be endometriosis. I went through a laproscopic procedure where the found it and cauterized some of it. However, my doctor believes that because I'm still experiencing the pain, that the endometriosis is elsewhere in my body. Therefore, I will be getting on a medication for the next few months to try and treat it. The frustration is that this condition can be part of infertility, and it is never "cured". I've been getting angry at those I know and love that are getting pregnant. In a time which I should be celebrating with them, I find myself finding a quiet spot (usually the bathroom or my car) to cry or just feel "numb" for a few minutes.  I'm finding myself out of control in a situation I wish I had control over. The reality is that I don't know what will happen, I need to trust God with this and let it be. Have I been trusting? No. Do I want to? Yes. As Micah has mentioned, our family just may look different. Just because we may not physically be able to have kids, doesn't mean we wont. I've always liked the idea of adopting a child and hoped whether we had our own or not that we would adopt.

With not feeling well, feeling overwhelmed by work and classwork, and not seeing my best friend on a regular basis, I've felt like quite the basket case of emotions. I've told Micah a few times now that I would be fine with up and moving, and just roaming the country in an R.V. with our dogs, cat, and chickens. He says he's game, but unfortunately I'm a little too realistic, and could never be that laid back/go with the flow person I wish I could be. For every drive we'd take I would be thinking about money spent towards gas, food, and where it will come from. Maybe after 20-30 years of work and a few dollars saved in the bank, I can learn to take a chill pill.

I've lost "my time" with cooking, taking pictures, exercising, and writing. As I sit and write now I'm thinking of the project I haven't started yet that's due and how my priorities are back asswards. But really, we all need some personal time to do what we enjoy, and if we aren't doing that, we're robbing ourselves at what life joys have to offer. I miss that joy. So today I write, and Monday, I'm going to zumba. Later this week, I might bust out the camera.

On a different note, I've been thinking about minimalism, and becoming more and more of a fan. I've mentioned this to friends who tell me I'm turning Amish (which I'm not), but I'm in love with the idea of focusing less on stuff, and more on self-sufficiency. There is a book coming out about having 100 items or less. At this time in our lives I think that's impossible, but minimizing to our basic needs would be nice. There is less stuff to worry about, and more time to be independent and focus on the things in life that really matter: relationships. What if we stopped worrying about the hustle and bustle, began living off of just what we needed, providing for ourselves, and spent more time on spreading love? Anyone in?

Have a great week. We'll try to keep this a little more up to date :)