Summer 2012 comes to an end

As I sit and look out the window this morning, to the east there are rays of sunshine and blue sky, but if you look overhead and to the west you'll find gray sky, clouds, and pockets of cool downpours. Seems fitting  as only 3 days are officially left before the school year starts up to look to the west and the east, past and present, to reflect on summer and the fun preparations for the new year!

So this summer (as all do) went by fast! Some snapshots of summer:

My dad went through 6 weeks of radiation and his tumor was nearly gone by the time it ended. So grateful. Now I just hope he'll continue to work on quitting smoking (no, he hasn't quit, but he has made huge gains, and deserves to be proud for that...remember it's a habit he's had for at least 30 years, with 2 packs a day, now it's 1 over a period of days) It's been hard to see him lose weight, get angry and frustrated, have difficulty speaking, and all his fatigue. Last week he went to the shooting range, and I was so happy to hear he's trying to get out and do fun things again...seeing him go through this (even at such an early stage), is a reminder that you HAVE to take take of yourself. Health is key to a good life, physically, mentally, emotionally....Words can't express the gratitude I have for the doctors finding his throat cancer early, now it's about motivating dad to continue to quit smoking, and encourage him in healthier lifestyle.

I picked up a bad habit: coffee...yes. 2 cups a day. I tried to spend the last week without it, and could only make it 3 days!

I ran a 5k with 2 running buddies from work, we're looking forward to doing the zombie run in the fall (I should probably lace up the shoes, only ran once since early July.... :/). While I'm excited to run another 5 k (it is enjoyable, I get it now...) I'm more excited to dress up as a zombie :)

Micah wants to do a triathlon, the m22 challenge: kayak, bike, run in early summer 2013. We're going to do it together, and should probably start training, like...now?!

We had family visits from some of our favorite people on earth. Short weekend visits, but those snapshots always fill my heart and rejuvenate my soul. I love our family and friends (great seeing you Ben and Tonya, still wish you lived closer, but so grateful for the time you took out of your vacation to see us!).














Got back in touch with some beloved friends, even though many miles away, grateful to have those relationships, and the web to help us stay connected!

Built a barn! We are not quite done, we've got windows and doors to put in, trim to put on, and stain, but we're close!

The garden: always a huge task, and never enough time to process all that we should!

Strawberries and Blueberries picked, processed, and in the freezer for the next year!

Multiple trips to the beach, so appreciated!

Many crafts and recipes created/repeated via the help of friends and pinterest :)

Books Read: Oogy, Hole in the Gospel, and working on an autobiography of Ashley Judd (1 very inspirational humanitarian)

We met with a local agency that helps people with domestic and international adoption. While we now have 10 pounds worth of paperwork to read through, we feel so much better understanding what our options are, and understanding that the process, while expensive and time-consuming, has people that can help. Tori (the woman we sat down with) was incredible and we're excited to work more with her in the future. Our focus is   to clear out our school debt before pursuing adoption, and the timeline (if we remain focused) could get us moving in the next couple of years with starting a family. We're both scared and excited, and can't wait to see what God has in store for us.

Roadtrip/Vacation/Camping: Went to the Upper Peninsula to Copper Harbor, with fun stops of waterfalls, lighthouses, and sunset cruises in-between. Loved spending the time with Micah to unplug and see Gods beauty. We met some very kind people, and even ran into a version of our future selves :). We came back from a hike to find an older man and woman stuck with their ATV trying to go up the trail we came down in search of an old cemetery. We also realized that our profession after retirement, may just be serving as camphosts in the U.P. campgrounds :)

I had planned on taking the summer off, not working at all, and just relaxing, but if I'm honest with myself, I think I would have gone nuts. To withdraw from EVERYTHING to try and relax would have put me in a whirlwind, so instead, I left my 2nd job at the sports store and focused on summer school 3 days a week, with some of my favorite people; my students. It was a good summer, with some good summer staff that worked hard and loved on the students. Summer is always nice because it's a bit more relaxed, but it also helped me reflect on how burned out I've become. Reflection, while difficult, and can be a good way to re-energize and re-focus. In the 5 years I've taught, I didn't realize just how bored my classroom (students, staff AND me)had  become with the daily routine. Going to a 1 week conference on teaching severely disabled students to read got me thinking...it's time for a change. We're going to not just focus on physical therapy, work routines, but we're going to incorporate academics, fun, and repetition with variety (oxymoron? yes, but I'm doing it anyway) I'm going to work with my students on reading and writing. Many will scoff and say why, but why not? They deserve the same shot as the other students, even if their non-verbal, even if it may take years (and their in their 20's), we're going to try. And we're going to have fun, damn it! I don't want to be burned out after 5 years, so change must happen. The students (and anyone for that matter) deserve to live a life at home and at school that challenges them, loves them, and lets them know they are valued.

Alright, time to get some pajama's off, tackle some projects, and look forward to what the late summer and early fall have to bring. Happy day friends!

In Memory of Justin

What I am about to share with you are my thoughts and prayers from this past week. I felt a stirring in my heart to share with anyone willing to read because I feel the message and the memory of Justin is an important reminder to us all about what life is really about. So here we go....

My heart has been filled with sadness since last week, hearing about Sgt. Justin Hansen, KIA, Operation Enduring Freedom. Today as I sit writing this, his body is traveling back to where he grew up, Kingsley. Tomorrow, his memorial service will be held at the high school he graduated in back in 2003. I was not close to Justin, I knew his name, knew he was in my brothers grade, he was a great athlete with a great smile. I passed by him in our high school hallways and would cheer him and several others on as a spectator at the football games. He graduated with my brother, and later went into the military. There he served 7 years. At the age of 26, Justin was shot to death while sweeping a house in Afghanistan. Since hearing of his death, my heart has been filled with grief. Grief for his family, grief for those who were called his friends, and grief for a life that was taken too soon. In my prayers I have asked God to give peace and comfort to his family and friends, not really knowing what else to pray for. I've questioned why this has hit me so hard, why I am constantly waking up filled with heartache for a man I went to high school with but never REALLY knew ( I still can't imagine the sorrow and sadness to those that are closest to him). Then in prayer last night, it hit me like a freight train.

Justin died for something bigger than himself. He died for his country, for my freedom.

There are soldiers dying every day for us, but until last week it never hit me. This past week it became real, because it became personal. It was a face I used to see in high school, it became my brothers friend and teammate. I don't know what his level of faith was, but I think today he's one step closer to heaven. While reading this morning I found this passage and application, and felt God saying "pay attention, look..."

"Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin. As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather, for the will of God" 1 Peter 4:1-2

Application (taken from NIV Life application study bible): We should be willing and prepared to do Gods will, and to suffer for it if necessary. Sin loses it's power to defeat us in our suffering if we focus on Christ and what he wants us to do. When our bodies are in pain, or lives in jeopardy, our real values show up clearly and sinful pleasures seem less important. If anyone suffers for doing good, and still faithfully obeys in spite of suffering, that person has made a clean break with sin.

Whether Justin knew it or not, God gave him a calling to serve. Justin served his country to his fullest, and in doing so, his values showed. He fought the enemies daily in a country that is surrounded by evil. He felt called to serve and protect, and that's what he did, faithfully to the end. 

Selfishly, I wish I had known him better, so that I could see first hand the character of selflessness that he lived out daily. I am beyond grateful and appreciative for Justin and the thousands of others past and present that have sacrificed their lives for my freedom. They have followed in the footsteps of Christ, who also followed Gods will and gave his life, so that we could have the opportunity of freedom. What better example to follow, than that of Jesus, being his ultimate hands and feet in fighting evil in this world. I hope to greet Jesus with open arms  to thank him for his sacrifice, just as I will go to Justin and the countless other heroes and thank them for their sacrifice. Dying so that those they did and didn't know, could have freedom in this life. 

My Prayer to God:

God, I know we all have different callings in this life. That your will for each of us looks different. Today God, I thank you for those who had/have the calling to serve our country, who sacrificed their life so that I may have freedom in this lifetime. I thank you for Justin, for his commitment to serving his country, and fighting the evil that exists in this world. I thank you that Justin was your hands and feet, and continue praying that peace and comfort would be felt among his family and friends, knowing Justin is an example to each and every one of us what love, selflessness, goodness, perserverense, godliness, and brotherly kindness are. 

"My Brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ"- 2 Peter 1:10-11

Welcome home Justin.

To Justin:

Thank you for opening my eyes. They have been closed for so long, inwardly focused on what I want, and what I need, what I deserve. Thank you for opening them to see just how big this world, how big of a need there is to serve, to love, and to live for something bigger than myself. My calling may not be to serve in the military, but I will pray that I can serve, love, and live in a way bigger that I could ever imagine. Just as you have done.  Thank you.

The next chapter

Sometimes, well, very often, life does not go as planned. I'm finding this out more and more the older I get (at the ripe old age of 28). I've been in a place of shock, frustration, joy, and peace, all at the same time, all for very different reasons. 


Last I wrote, things were finally starting to settle in. Micah and I felt like we could finally be in a routine. Then (if I could insert the cartoon with the overhead cloud that says, "KAPOW!!!, BAM, SMACK") life throws new curve balls. Life is always in transition, we've just begun a new stage. Which is OK. :)


Most on my mind as of late is my Dad. We have found out in recent weeks what was originally told was an infection, is in fact throat cancer. Thankfully, the doctors discovered it early (stages 1-2, out of a possible 5).He will have to go through 4-6 weeks of chemo/radiation, not to mention he has to kick his 40 year old habit of smoking and chewing. Needless to say, he's in a constant state of either frustration, pain, or sickness. And chemo hasn't even begun. It's times like this when I'm grateful to live close, so that I can help. The problem is that my dad is a very proud, stubborn man, that seems to see help as sympathy and pity. Prayers or good thoughts sent my dads way would be appreciated, he's got a very long uphill battle to fight, not just with the cancer, but getting the nicotine out of his body (this man has regularly smoked 2 packs of cigarettes daily, and when not smoking, would chew tobacco) that he's had since a teenager in his system. Please pray for him to have patience and not anger, joy, and not frustration so that he can once and for all kick his horrible habits, and be healthy physically and mentally. 


Micah's parents are also going through rough times with attempting to move while dealing with a harassing home buyer (that bought their current house and is trying to kick them out sooner than should be) and Micah's dad recovering from a knee replacement. 


Micah and I are still wading through the "child bearing" issues that we have as well. I went and finally figured out next steps, now it's just a matter of deciding what route we want to take. We are getting to the point where I can have an outpatient procedure done as a last attempt to help, and after that, it becomes a diagnosis of unexplained infertility (even though I have Endometriosis, and it can be relatively common for women to be infertile with this diagnosis)...after which we start looking at fertility/hormone treatments. I told myself if we got to this point that I would say we're done, and now we look at adoption. I'm still trying to hold out hope that we have a chance of our own, as we hear stories ALL the time of people that tried for 6-10 years before finally having their own....but I just don't know anymore.  I found and was given some quotes however that helped me start to reel in on the reality of our situation, 

"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us" - Joseph Campbell

"'Sometimes our lives look different than what we thought they'd be and we rob ourselves 

of contentment thinking that the way we wanted it is/was better than the way God has 

planned."- Anonymous

I'm grateful to say that June is here, which means my work schedule will go from 5 days a week to 3 in a few short weeks, that we will have an abundant variety of vege's and goodies to can and freeze, and many kayaking trips will be in our future.  Despite the above events, I feel very fortunate to have what I do with my family, best friend and our furry family of four legged crazies. I have a great job, a life filled with amazing people, and a bottle of wine by my side :) Happy Weekend fellow bloggers.

Life as of late

And.....exhale...

The hustle and bustle we have called life for the past couple of years might just be settling down. I say might, because I worry I may jinx this and something will come up...

Micah is working full time a long term care facility. I love hearing of the 94yr old cougars that go after my husband, calling him Michael. He seems to be enjoying it a lot, and I'm ever so grateful he's landed a job in an area he enjoys. He's expressed a lot of people don't understand why he chose gerontology and a long term care facility when he could be working at a hospital. My husband likes to go against the status quo, the popular ideas,  (reason #789 why I adore him). He takes joy in working with the elderly, and doesn't care if it isn't a adventurous/trendy job recognized by others. He does important work, that he enjoys, and that makes me proud!

 The working midnights for Micah has seemed to work out well. The only time it hasn't, it when I'm working both jobs, and pass him coming home at 10:00 when he's heading in to work. This will change soon enough, as I put in my notice to finish at the sports store. I really wish I didn't like the job as much as I do, but I've been told by a few important people in my life that I need to slow down, and I'm trying to respect that, and learn how to....relax...? So as of May I will be back to teaching and only teaching. It will be good to help me put my focus back on just my classroom, and for that I am excited.

I read a quote this week that said, "Do not handicap your kids by making their lives easy!". OH praise god that someone thinks this! I know I work with students that have severe disabilities but I continue to get so angry that my students are not challenged or pushed to be their best, because too many people (including families) feel sorry for them. Ugh. They are people that also deserve to be pushed, to have expectations, to be valued, and too often they go unrecognized or are "under valued". Do me a favor, don't be one of the many that look at them and feel sorry for them. They don't want that. Neither would you.

 Our family of furry creatures continue to be fun and crazy. I woke up this morning (as Micah was crawling into bed after getting done with his shift) and decided to spend it outside reading. In the middle of reading a book I looked up to find Vixie (our youngest stray pup) running around the backyard chasing 2 birds. They flew over the backyard and had Vixie literally running circles (3 laps to be exact) around the backyard. Meanwhile, Otis is tossing golf balls at my arm to get me to throw them (because our dogs can't use tennis balls, but golf balls to play fetch), and Eddie is pouncing around attempting to catch flies that are buzzing around. I couldn't help but laugh out loud at my ridiculous dogs. The chickens were running around, the sun shining, and the day, just beautiful.

If you feel stressed, have spent too much time in front of a computer, t.v, or desk, please get outside and just sit. Just listen. God created all of this beauty, that so often we forget to stop and and enjoy what he's put right in front of, because we get in our hustle and bustle of life, we worry that if we slow down that we wont get the things taken care of that we need to, but the reality is,

 "See how the lilies of the field grow. They do no labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and gone tomorrow, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?"- Matthew 6: 28-30


Enough randomness for one night! Remember to sit and admire Gods creation this Easter weekend!!

Not All Who Wander....

J.R.R. Tolkien, a smart, creative man who would create The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings (among many other works ) said this.

I've loved this phrase ever since I heard it. Those who know me, know that I am a wannabe hippie. I love the idea of being content with life (no matter what it looks like), wearing flip flops/being barefoot on a daily basis, living close to nature and being passionate about preserving it thru my lifestyle choices. I want to be the wanderer who isn't lost. The truth is that I am wandering, and I do feel lost about 98% of the time! My husband on the other hand, of whom I admire more than anyone that walks this earth, can wander like no other, and never feels lost. He is confident in every choice he makes or action he takes. Boy do I admire this. I always have. I want to live out this philosophy, so badly!

Our lives haven't gone as we had planned. By now we had hoped to have a family, to be debt free, and to be living somewhere exotic. Reality is that our family consists of 3 dogs, 1 cat, and 10 chickens. Reality is that we have thousands of dollars in school loans. Reality is also that I live less than 15 miles from where I grew up. However, this being said, I am happy. I am happy to have this life with crazy furry animals, I am grateful that we were able to go to school to get degrees, and I love being able to stand outside a blistery winters night staring at the stars (that sometimes feel so close I could touch them).

We tried to map out our life (by we, I mean me...:)) and it hasn't gone as planned. We've become wanderers, our path has just changed. Our goals now are to live a life of love, to exemplify that to others. We want to travel, we want to continue working towards having an authentic relationship with God and with eachother. As I sit and think about this phrase and what is means for me, it may very well mean something different to you. To me, to wander means to travel the path less traveled. This doesn't mean getting lost, it just means going somewhere different.

So we don't have kids....being surrounded by friends and family that are having kids (what seems like every other minute) is difficult (and unbearable) sometimes. This currently isn't the path marked out for me, and today, I can handle that. Don't ask me if I can handle it tomorrow :). It's a rollercoaster that I can't get off of yet, but I hope sooner than later to be on a firm ground of faith, knowing that with or without kids, my life will be full, and it will be happy.

Our debt is slowly being worked on. We refinanced our house to a 15 yr, we will have paid off Micah's car in just under a year, and will be on our way to paying off our school loans as quickly as possible. We don't want our lifes work to be consumed with having to pay off debt. We want it out of the way so we can take what we earn to better others lives. What that will look like down the road, I honestly don't know. I am however, excited at the idea of being able to give freely without concern of where $ will come to pay off this or that...and in time, we will be there.

Micah went back to school 2 years ago, and as of last month was hired as a RN for a local long term care facility. His original path he thought would be land use planning. and now he passes medicine, brushes hair for elderly women who sit in their rooms lonely and afraid, and he takes his meek and compassionate personality to serve the geriatric population. If it's possible, he makes my heart smile. :)

I am still teaching in a severely multiply impaired classroom. Some days it is harder to deal with staff and parents than it is the actual students. I love my students and want the best for them. While many dont see why I do what I do (because their lives are significantly shorter due to their conditions), I insist that if I can make them as independent as possible while they're in my room, they are gaining their own sense of freedom and happiness in realizing their capabilities (no matter what that looks like). I will be taking this summer off, for the first time since I started teaching, and am excited to be able to do more "wandering". No plans. Other than to work in my garden, continue working part time at a retail sports store, and spending time with family and friends.

This summer, when we wander, we are going to do it in style, with maybe 1 or 2 of these:

 

We're daydreaming for now, but Micah wants to start a scooter gang, and I'm pretty excited at this possibility :)

Thank you also, to those of you that responded to me via text or email on my last post. I was in a dark place, and your thoughts of encouragement and support were a great comfort. I am truly grateful to you, and hope I can be there for you as you were for me.

Life is good. No matter how hard it can be sometimes. It is good, and God is to thank for that. Because in the darkness there is always a light of hope, through the comfort of friends, family, and faith.

Happy Wandering!

My Little Black Cloud

When I first began this blog, I thought it would be a fun way to keep in touch with friends that I lose contact with so easily, to share excitement and joy for life happenings and also to vent when life or experiences are frustrating. The sad thing is that for the past 40 minutes I have stared at this blank page, wanting so badly to share all the thoughts on my heart, and I just don't want to. Why? FEAR.

Why and how do we get like this? When our insecurities get the best of us, and keep us from being our best version of ourselves? I feel like I have so much to offer, but my spirit hesitates, with thoughts of: nobody cares what you think, nobody wants to hear your sadness, who cares that you had a good day?  

My head and heart haven't been right for quite some time. This past year has been one of the worst years I've had, and I would like to say I've never wished time away, but I have for the past year. Beginning with today. Today marks the date of an anniversary (not a good one) in which life changed not only for me, but for people around me. I have never seen so much pain, sadness, betrayl, rage, and fear, as I have this year. I would like to be the optimistic go-getter that says, "It can only get better from here", but when I said that last year 3-4 times, new issues would be at the doorstep, waiting, lurking, seizing the moment to snatch any happiness away. So my pessimistic side says, "Whats next"?

Here are the things that have made my heart heavy (without going into whats taken place over the year):

--I don't know how much longer I can teach, I feel like I"m losing the joy I initially had for it.
--I've lost the ability to trust.
--I'm feeling far from God, and my spirit feels anger and frustration when I go to pray or read the bible.
--My health issues with my joint pain continue to get no answers, and I recently had the last specialist suggest I get a neuropsych eval because I may have a cognitive defect. While frustrating at first, I laughed later with Micah and turned it into a joke, but now I fear: maybe she's right...
--We still haven't gotten pregnant.
--I don't know how to cope with my pain, while feeling joy for parents to be.
--I want to be happy, but feel that I don't deserve it. Dont ask me why, I don't know.
--I yearn for relationships, but fear I will screw them up. So why bother.

What I am grateful to have while I work to break up this little black cloud over my head:

My husband
My four legged friends waiting at home that will love me even when I screw up
2 jobs to keep my mind occupied

Life could always be worse...I need to realize how lucky I have it. But I also feel like it's ok to be down and out sometimes, people have different emotions that cause their heart to stir one way or another, and that's ok. It's ok that I'm in a funk. It wont last forever.

 I just wish it was done today.

Goodbye Summer....Hello Autumn....(HA, thats me)!

A week from today I go back to work. My students wont be back until September 7th, but it'll be time for me to start prepping materials and my room for the new school year. I'm excited to be gaining a new student, and for a new year. The past year kicked my butt on more levels than I would have imagined. I didn't think at I would have already had a student pass away, but in May, my favorite one did. He was a good guy, referred to me as "Tum" because he couldn't say my full name. Oh did I love him ( I love them all). But with an ending comes new beginnings, and I've got another young lady coming in with a tenacious spirit and bundle of energy! I'm ready for the challenge...I think....

I'd like to say how excited I am for the school year, and while I am looking forward to changes, I do regret how quickly this summer passed. I ended up working 2 jobs, and up until last week, was working 45-50 hrs a week. The past two weeks have been great! Sleeping in (as much as one can with 3 dogs and a psychotic cat running around the house at 6:15 am) and staying in p.j's until 10am (ok, maybe even 12pm...) has been a simple joy that I don't want to give up just yet!

Not to mention, Micah will be finishing up his second to last set of classes and clinicals the same week I start back to work. This has kind of been our story for the past year and a half, playing hit and miss with breaks and schedules. We're both excited for December when he'll be done with school, into a full time job, and back into a routine in which we spend more than a few hours at a time together.

When we do get time, we try to spend it with our four legged crazies....



Eddie, our oldest pup who refuses to look at the camera...


And introducing our newest member:



Vixie, our unexpected edition but a fun one!

Otis and Milo wouldn't sit still for the camera, so that's all I've got for family photos for the summer. Sad, I know. BUT, Summer isn't over yet...so who knows what adventures may fall between now and then!